Following the uncovering of criminal behaviour at tabloid newspapers and after months of evidence gathering and analysis, politicians and the British media gathered to eagerly hear the findings and recommendations of Lord Justice Leveson. During a brief press conference, as Leveson had a cab waiting with the meter ticking to whisk him to his Australia-bound flight, the Lord Justice said some words about things and stuff, then disappeared quicker than a case of Bacardi Breezers at Charlotte Church’s breakfast table. Basically, the Lord surmised, some of the press are naughty but most are ok; Ofcom should get a look-in; and there should be some sort of law to keep things on track. Leveson, vaguer than…

With accusations and lawsuits questioning the sexuality of John Travolta, the star of Grease, Hairspray, and Blow Out, has tried to put the gay rumours behind him by taking a romantic break with his wife, Kelly Preston, on the advice of his publicist. Unfortunately, the celebrity couple have chosen to holiday in one of the gayest hotspots in Europe, the Greek island of Mykonos, renowned for it’s picturesque beaches and easy cock. In an effort to demonstrate to the world that the couple are very much in love and heterosexual, his publicist is planning further romantic breaks for the couple to Sitges, Tenerife, Miami, The Castro area of San Francisco, and Provincetown.

Celebrity Venn: #cherylcole + #britneyspears = #emilyvancamp #lookalike

Margaret Street in Central London had to be cordoned off yesterday as confused sneakerheads and Japanese tourists gathered around the BBC shop. The disorientated streetwear fans mistook the retail arm of the British Broadcasting Corporation with yet another outpost for the brand by Nigo & Pharrell known as Billionaire Boys Club. Whilst the outside of the store was engulfed in a sea of snapbacks chatting about what the latest “drop” might include, the shop continued to trade as normal as the crowd hadn’t realised they didn’t actually have to queue outside to gain admission. One elderly woman, who visited the store to purchase a BBC t-shirt for her grandson and a box set of ‘Allo…

Famous for his ever-changing hair colour, political journalist and broadcaster Andrew Neil has bowed to non-existent public demand to release a brand new range of home-dye kits in a selection of temporary shades for those keen to vary their colour daily. The driving force of BBC programmes such as The Daily Politics and This Week, Neil is a respected and feared political analyst and commentator whose razor-sharp interrogations have been sidelined somewhat by deciding to change his hair colour more times than Lady Gaga, Rhianna, and Linda Evangelista. Some claim his comedy colourings act as a distraction to soften up his interviewees who don’t take the brillo-haired pundit seriously until it’s too late and Neil…

The Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Gideon Osbourne, was admitted to hospital earlier today with dizziness attributed to successive policy U-turns. It seems barely a day goes by it when the Chancellor doesn’t backtrack on a previously announced economic policy. Yesterday’s about-face on fuel duty joins the short-lived charity, pasty, and caravan taxes. Osbourne, the finely-wrought creation of actor Daniel Hill from the BBC sitcom Waiting For God, has reportedly spun around so quickly on previously announced tax ideas that the camp Chancellor couldn’t walk in a straight line. Despite the air of not-having-a-fucking-clue, pollsters report that the public prefer “Giddy Gideon” as Chancellor compared to the “muttering idiot” option of Gordon Brown’s eyeballing henchman…

Some people have the innate gift of being able to weigh someone up with a glance. For those that can’t, here are some tell-tale phrases to know when you’re dealing with a cunt. “Business is business”  Normally said by a work colleague or client, right before they stab you in the back and either fire you, steal your work, or cancel a long-standing contract you were assured was set in stone. “I pay your wages”  Normally spouted at public sector workers such as bus drivers, train guards, nurses, doctors, firemen, and policemen by arseholes whose 2-pence worth of P.A.Y.E. contributions don’t even cover the cost of a uniform. Also occasionally barked at barmen and bouncers…

Despite the fact that it’s perfectly legal, the British Prime Minister David Cameron has again blasted the wisecracking comedian Jimmy Carr as “morally wrong” for smoking. Even though Carr has not broken any laws to purchase legally available cigarettes, Cameron has singled out the comedian to make an example of him to deter others from starting to smoke. Whilst the government has made attempts to reduce the amount of smokers, they have not taken steps to fully outlaw tobacco products which supporters of Carr’s have been quick to point out. “He hasn’t broken any law so get off his case Cameron” said a source close to the comedian. “Until it’s illegal, he should be able…

Celebrity Venn: #FrancesBarber + #RachaelStirling = #MartineMcCutcheon #lookalike

Tomorrow Twitter will leap from the digital realm to the real world in a Flashmob gathering taking place on Trafalgar Square at 3pm. Prolific tweeters will be handed a Twitter-branded megaphone with which to share their thoughts and observations. Rumoured participants include Charlie Brooker, Grace Dent, Emma Kennedy, and Keith Chegwin. Members of the public are welcome to join the shout-fest provided they bring their own loudhailers and only yell comments that are 140 characters or less. The Flashmob aims to discover whether anyone actually pays attention to other Twitter users or if people are to be busy farting out their own thoughts to even bother.