How To Spot A Cunt

Some people have the innate gift of being able to weigh someone up with a glance. For those that can’t, here are some tell-tale phrases to know when you’re dealing with a cunt.

“Business is business”  Normally said by a work colleague or client, right before they stab you in the back and either fire you, steal your work, or cancel a long-standing contract you were assured was set in stone.

“I pay your wages”  Normally spouted at public sector workers such as bus drivers, train guards, nurses, doctors, firemen, and policemen by arseholes whose 2-pence worth of P.A.Y.E. contributions don’t even cover the cost of a uniform. Also occasionally barked at barmen and bouncers by drunken non-tipping idiots being chucked out of clubs.

“You know what?” Yes. I know what. It’s a pronoun. Don’t continue your ramblings interspersed with the annoying Americanism of “you know what?” expecting me to say “no? what? what genius information are you about to impart from your superior brain?” Yes. I know what. What a cunt looks like.

“End of.” If anyone finishes a bombastic point with “end of”, walk away before you feel justifiably compelled to throttle them.

“There’s no ‘i’ in ‘team’.” That’s right, but there is one in dick.

“The recession hasn’t affected my business at all”  You’re talking to a dealer of arms, drugs or Fabergé eggs. Get out of there before you’re sporting a bullet wound, track marks, or a paisley cravat.

“Welcome to The Jeremy Kyle Show.” Enough said.

“Don’t you know who I am?”  Yes. You’re a cunt.